I haven't written in this blog in a long time. I completed writing for myself but I really started to see it as a missing for me these last few weeks so am going to start again because this is all a journey.
As many of you know (from my Facebook) John and I are expecting a baby girl in August. This is something we have been trying for for almost 8 years and I haven't really talked about it much. I've watched friends and family have children and slowly closed myself off to the possibility that it would ever happen for us. It's a miracle and we are both over the moon excited, and partly terrified, but really excited :)
What I really want to share though is what I discovered this last week. Over the course of the last 2.5 years I have been leading programs for Landmark Worldwide and it is something that makes a profound difference for me, my relationships and my life. I absolutely love the community and the difference that the work of Landmark's programs provides. It is also something that gives me power when i'm dealing with difficult situations or circumstances and the ability to create life. This pregnancy has not been easy for me. In addition to the normal pregnancy symptoms of dizziness & nauseous, we had a time when the heartbeat could not be located, I ended up in hospital a couple weeks ago with gall stones and had some bleeding. I had to authentically look for myself what needed to happen to ensure this baby was healthy and I choose to stop (for the time being) being a program leader for Landmark. This was not an easy decision for me because I know it is something that fuels me, that lights me up and that is something I am very passionate about. But in this case I chose to put my well being and my unborn child's health ahead of anything else. I'm at peace with not being a program leader and I am grieving the loss of something.
Why I share all of that with you is because I want you to know what I actually discovered out of all of that. The body sensations and the feelings in ceasing my participation as a program leader brought me back to being in elementary school. I was put in a separate class from all my friends and was alone, it was sudden and unexpected and I can now see how after that point I set up my life to protect myself. I set up my life so that I will sabotage relationships or situations so that I am either removed, people leave or I leave and I've never been responsible for that. The 8 year old who made that decision about how life had to go decided that she would not let other people hurt her again and from that moment forward my life was designed around keeping people out. It is likely even the source of my weight gain in the first place, if I'm overweight then people don't want to really know me anyway and then I don't have the threat of being hurt. When I really look at this, the decision I made about how life would go at 8 years old has had a huge impact on me and the people around me. I know there are people in my life who are hungry to know me, they just want me to let them in, and their experience is that of being shut out. Not like i'm doing any of this intentionally, but there is still an impact. For me the experience of living my life is like I am always alone, yet surrounded by people who love me, often I feel very separate and out of place and I can see that is all based on the decision an 8 year old made, it's not true. All there is to do is continue to allow the experience to be there and acknowledge it as not true - don't resist it or try to change it - but be authentic with people about it which is partly why I chose to write my blog again.
So what am I creating then? Well presently I am living inside of the possibility of being compassionate and loving and that includes with myself. I'm taking on connecting with people I wouldn't normally connect with and sharing what i'm dealing with. I'm taking on my health and though I cannot work out right now (except walk/yoga) due to what i'm dealing with in the pregnancy I am being responsible for what foods I put in my body. I'm very present to that I cannot make a difference for other people when I am not taking care of myself and my well being, self sacrificing is not of service to anyone.
I promise to continue to share and put myself out there because deep down inside I really do love people and all I want is to have full connection in my relationships.