Let me start off with saying I have been hiding out, in case you didn't know that. I really have just been hiding under a mountain of a lot of work to do, a conference to run, a program to coach, people to make a difference for and in the middle of all that is me not making a difference for me. I miss my community, and I distanced myself so far away because to be honest I've been completely terrified the last few months. What i've been dealing with is my body not operating at the level i'm used to it operating at, I can't run, I can't do high impact exercise and it feels like pretty much everything I do hurts. What happened is instead of me calling on my community I hid all of this from all of you, though i'm sure you can figure it out. I hid in all the work I needed to do and the projects I was working on and the things I was doing for other people. In reality i was just not making the difference for me anymore, I went to where it was comfortable for me which is to care about everyone else but leave myself out of the equation.
How life has been like the last 4 months has been incredibly lonely and scary. I feel trapped in a body that doesn't do the things i'm used to it doing. I'm in pain consistently and scared to try things in fitness because it seems like I just continue to injure myself. I'm frustrated and I hate it and all I want is to be out there in the beautiful sun and enjoying the body and fitness level I know I worked so hard for. Really, it's just not fair! Have you ever wanted to run and hide and hope people don't notice? Or maybe some flavor of that? Well that is exactly where I've been the last few months.
This letter to all of you is to declare that I am back in the game, no more hiding, no more trying to appear like I got it all together. I am back to sharing myself, back to having what I am up to in life make the difference just in who I am not in something I do for someone else. Now, I know this isn't going to look like what I want right now, it wont look like me doing high intensity exercise or running, but it can still look like me being a part of the community.
For those of you who don't know what I've been dealing with the last few months has been pain in my right hip and knee stopping me from doing a lot of exercise. This pain developed into compression in my spine which had be me in the hospital last weekend. This week i've been home bound apart from a few outings and really just starting to take on learning my body newly. I've been to chiropractic, massage, feldenkrais and structural medicine all in this last week. No longer will the circumstance called pain dictate who I am, who I am is a part of this community and i'm back as of right now.
Today I walked into Michele's office at BDHQ and bared it all. My immediate thought was that she is going to kick me out of this gym and won't want me to be part of this program anymore, this is the conversation i've been avoiding. Instead what Michele said to me is "Bri, you aren't going backwards, it's not even possible, you are always moving forward". I got to share what it has been like for me the last few months, and the missing of not being there, and created coming back to the program to have the program (Biggest Winners) make a difference for me and in turn that will make a difference for the people around me. Right now that looks like letting this compression in my spine settle down and participating in the check ins and then in a couple weeks coming back into working out as modified to what I can do. I also have a new eating pattern to take on. Thank you Michele for our conversation today, you made a huge difference for me and I love you.
To my community, my promise is you will hear more from me, I am back to writing my blog and back to putting myself on the line and living the life of health and wellness to make a difference.