Saturday, December 14, 2013

You Better Belize IT

Helllooooo :) I am bouncing off walls right now - well in my head. I have been away and just got back from an incredible 3 week holiday. I was in beautiful Belize for 2 weeks and then San Francisco for a few days. I've got so much for myself in these last few weeks I don't even know where to begin, so let me give you a few tid bits.

First, I was incredibly excited to go on this trip after committing and figuring out my time off/money etc. we were off on a long travel day. I traveled with Sarah and Paul from Victoria all the way to Houston where we met up with Ainsley and carried onto Belize. And you would expect that I would have been excited at that point getting to Belize but I was pretty much ready to come home. Have you ever had an experience where you are nearly teleported back to a place in your past and it is like "wow I've been here before, I know exactly what's going to happen?"? Well that basically sums up my experience in meeting Ainsley. It was right in front of me, so real, a conversation for "you are now going to be the third wheel AGAIN and really they don't like you, they pity you". Now, I have lots of training and development in how these conversations go and how to be powerful in the face of them but my experience in that moment was like I was teleported back to being a teenager again and I was prepared to lose my friendships for good. It was kind of like watching myself in slow motion, I knew what I was doing and I didn't stop myself, I completely took myself out of any conversation and choose to live in struggle. Now, that's not FUN given I was travelling and going to spend the next 2 weeks with these people, so of course a conversation was in order. And all there was for me to do, which I knew, was to say what I was afraid to say and get how unreal it is. I did that, I shared my conversation with both Sarah and Ainsley and then it was as if it never happened, yes we all lived happily ever after ;) but for real, we had an incredible trip and I connected with not only Sarah, Ainsley and Paul but many other people on a level I have never really connected with people on.

Second, Yes I was incredibly excited to go on this vacation and I also had this looming thought in the back of my head that went something like "you'll never measure up", we all have a version of that I think. I knew that I would be wearing a bathing suit, and for the most part I have no problem being in a bathing suite, I go swimming all the time, but this was different. I was going on vacation with one of my best friends who is a fitness trainer and a new friend who is a yoga instructor, and then there was me....What I created before going on this trip was the possibility of being radiant, glowing and alive and I really really took that on as who I was. That conversation of comparison reared its ugly head at least daily, sometimes hourly, and every single time it came up I had a choice to make. The choice was either have the conversation take me out of the game of life, or have who I say I am win. I want you all to know that who I said I was on this trip won gold medal! I have never ever related to myself as someone who people (ie. strangers - not people who know me intimately) want to know, or spend time with, how I have generally related to myself is like the third wheel or actually - I'm going to be really straight - how I've related to myself is like a waste of space. This trip, my relationship to who I am completely altered, I got - not just on a logical level, but on a physical level - that I am someone who is confident, alive, beautiful, present and contributes when I get out of my own way and play the game of life! I can't explain it any other way than that I feel for the first time connected to my own self worth.

Third, I faced a huge fear of mine - swimming in open waters. I am a good swimmer, and not concerned with drowning, I am however paralyzed with fear when it comes to swimming and not being able to see what`s around me. This trip, we were on an island which takes no longer than 5 minutes to walk from end to end and the closest piece of mainland is over 30 miles away, so you can imagine not facing open water really wasn`t an option for me. On this trip I jumped off a boat into the middle of the ocean, I went scuba diving and survived what felt like the last boat ride I'd ever be on. There were tears and lots of deep breaths, possibly some extremely fast heart beats, but in true ME style I don't let that stop me. I know without a doubt that what is on the other side of tears, fear, anger and shaking hands is massive breakthroughs in who I know myself to be. And who I continue to know myself to be is someone who takes on fear after fear and doesn't stop.

Fourth, I had FUN and did not care what I looked like for one minute - actually I was kind of a forced not caring what I looked like given there was no mirror to look into :) but for real, I just had fun - let go and let life happen. I will never forget this trip and the memories I created. Thank you Lifehouse Retreats.

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