After last weekends inquiry into failure and performance I have really been in action this week to break down some barriers. Starting with getting straight with where I had been in relation to my health. I had really been making excuses for myself that eating "ok" was acceptable to me, really it's not! It's not when i'm living a life where my word is that I will be healthy and an example. I got that I had made it ok, I had been justifying it to myself, and owned up to that. What else hasn't been ok has been the excuses for not making my workouts, really what works is being up for 6AM and getting the workout in. I know this is what works, and that is what is in the schedule now. Swimming is back on the table, running is out, and winning the game of being healthy and an example is what I am playing each day.
Sometimes this voice of reason creeps into my head that says "why do you have to be an example for everyone else, just do what you want and relax" and then I realize that sure I could do that, absolutely I could choose to have that be my life, but what I said my life was about is having my journey transform other peoples health, that is what is important to me so the reasons and the justifications don't matter.
What else happened this week? Well I went to a fabulous party that my friend Sonya put on, and how that would normally go for me would look something like me in the background, listening intently to other's conversations and "pretending" to have fun but really just wanting to be at home alone where it is safe. That is NOT how this went. Going into this party I decided I was going to be fun and courageous. I had some great conversations with people I didn't know, and for me that is a shift in who I see myself to be, and it was FUN!
One step at a time I transform who I am for other people, it really amazes me sometimes that being open can be so scary - yet liberating at the same time. I have this ongoing conversation in my head that looks like "don't share don't speak don't be present, no one cares" it runs and runs and runs, and I put it aside and speak anyway - that's what's liberating and freeing. I wonder what new, interesting thing is coming next.