In the middle of a medicine induced coma I am catching up on my writing. What I had planned on writing about was my trip with Nicki last week to see Jillian Michaels but what I want to share is more present for me right now, so JM will need to wait.
Last Wednesday I was driving home, after 10 o'clock at night, exhausted, hadn't slept and hadn't eat and I just sat in my car and sobbed, uncontrollably. Feeling confronted, alone, scared, and like I am unable to do anything. Alot of it had to do the fact that I had not ate, and the rest had to do with the bottom line that I was putting my needs second to everyone else in my life and I was putting them second to needing to prove that I was good enough to do it all. I went to bed, up the next morning for work, and then again off after work for some homework for my program. Facing this homework created the most extreme emotional breakdown I have had in a long time. I am grateful for the people who were there and just listened.
The exercise consisted of looking in the mirror and being excited for yourself, telling yourself you are amazing and worth it. Mirror work has been around for a long time, but I had never done it. As I stood there looking in the mirror at myself i'm thinking "there is nothing to be excited for here". I resisted the whole exercise which took over 30 minutes, and hated every single minute of it. More tears, more tears, fast-forward to Saturday and I am having a conversation with one of my coaches about what happened. What I distinguished was that my whole identity was based on me not being good enough and that I had to hold onto that very tight in order to survive from a young age. I really really got that I was being someone who wasn't worth excitement or acknowledgment. I got that I was really good at acknowledging other people. I got that I love to be everyone's cheerleader, but in the process I am not my own cheerleader. I got that by not actually being someone who takes acknowledgment like FOR REAL takes it I do not allow room for people around me to be ok with having them be acknowledged. I was present to all of this, and at the same time overcome with so much emotion. I created a new possibility for my life on Sunday though. The possibility I invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being open to incredible contribution. I had thought at first that I wanted the possibility of being a contribution but I now understand that I am a contribution already, I need to allow other's to contribute to me.
So from Sunday afternoon I have been living through the lense of accepting acknowledgement and I was so honored to get up in front of probably 300 people and take a thank you for what I had done for someone. It is amazing when you open yourself up to seeing things in a different light what can actually be available for you. I'm not saying it's easy for me to accept acknowledgement overnight, it's still a work in progress, but inside of my possibility of being open to incredible contribution each day I am taking a step to move me closer to that simply being the way I am. Being simply open to it, this morning I received a facebook message from my sister-in-law which simply said "This reminds me of you: “I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a "transformer" in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.” - Stephen R. Covey". In the spirit of my new way of being, thank you Mary you made a real difference in my day.