Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Open to Incredible Contribution

In the middle of a medicine induced coma I am catching up on my writing. What I had planned on writing about was my trip with Nicki last week to see Jillian Michaels but what I want to share is more present for me right now, so JM will need to wait.

Last Wednesday I was driving home, after 10 o'clock at night, exhausted, hadn't slept and hadn't eat and I just sat in my car and sobbed, uncontrollably. Feeling confronted, alone, scared, and like I am unable to do anything. Alot of it had to do the fact that I had not ate, and the rest had to do with the bottom line that I was putting my needs second to everyone else in my life and I was putting them second to needing to prove that I was good enough to do it all. I went to bed, up the next morning for work, and then again off after work for some homework for my program. Facing this homework created the most extreme emotional breakdown I have had in a long time. I am grateful for the people who were there and just listened.

The exercise consisted of looking in the mirror and being excited for yourself, telling yourself you are amazing and worth it. Mirror work has been around for a long time, but I had never done it. As I stood there looking in the mirror at myself i'm thinking "there is nothing to be excited for here". I resisted the whole exercise which took over 30 minutes, and hated every single minute of it. More tears, more tears, fast-forward to Saturday and I am having a conversation with one of my coaches about what happened. What I distinguished was that my whole identity was based on me not being good enough and that I had to hold onto that very tight in order to survive from a young age. I really really got that I was being someone who wasn't worth excitement or acknowledgment. I got that I was really good at acknowledging other people. I got that I love to be everyone's cheerleader, but in the process I am not my own cheerleader. I got that by not actually being someone who takes acknowledgment like FOR REAL takes it I do not allow room for people around me to be ok with having them be acknowledged. I was present to all of this, and at the same time overcome with so much emotion. I created a new possibility for my life on Sunday though. The possibility I invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being open to incredible contribution. I had thought at first that I wanted the possibility of being a contribution but I now understand that I am a contribution already, I need to allow other's to contribute to me.

So from Sunday afternoon I have been living through the lense of accepting acknowledgement and I was so honored to get up in front of probably 300 people and take a thank you for what I had done for someone. It is amazing when you open yourself up to seeing things in a different light what can actually be available for you. I'm not saying it's easy for me to accept acknowledgement overnight, it's still a work in progress, but inside of my possibility of being open to incredible contribution each day I am taking a step to move me closer to that simply being the way I am. Being simply open to it, this morning I received a facebook message from my sister-in-law which simply said "This reminds me of you: “I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a "transformer" in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.” - Stephen R. Covey". In the spirit of my new way of being, thank you Mary you made a real difference in my day.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Ucluelet Adventure

This is the first time I am sitting down at my home computer to reflect on my last few days. On Sunday I got home from a wonderful weekend away with some amazing women. After talking about having a weekend away, Raeleen mentioned a lovely spot in Ucluelet that she goes to and the planner in me kicked in. Date picked, location booked, spa day planned. The location was absolutely beautiful, the house was right on the beach with a breath taking view. There was even a hot tub on the deck, turned into more of a "warm" tub however.

Bethany, Raeleen, Jaylene and I arrived first and got ourselves some wine and in the tub. A few hours later the rest of our crew (Nicki, Rebecca, Lisa and Elizabeth) joined us after a long after work drive from Victoria. I could go on and on about the laughs, memories and connections over the weekend but I think the pictures do it more justice.

A windy walk on the Wild Pacific Trail

A day at the spa

A run on the beach

Group photo opportunity

Followed by a relaxing drive down island stopping at some for some more photos

I am so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. I would like to share who they are for me.

Nicki is someone who represents complete confidence, so sure of who she is and what is important to her. Always stood for me stretching myself to my limits.
Bethany is someone who is completely dedicated to her health, so strong!
Raeleen is someone who listens for what is important and can relate to me on a deep level.
Lisa is someone who cares so much that everyone is taken care of.
Elizabeth is someone who is a stand for her family and taking care of the people in her life.
Rebecca is someone who is caring, compassionate and super funny.
Jaylene is someone who is creative and willing to take risks.

My list could go on and on, thank you for the lovely weekend ladies and for your continued friendship and support of my crazy ventures in this world.