In this journey of self discovery I have been faced with multiple challenges, emotions, frustrations, and one thing was consistent I challenged myself. I challenged myself every day, except in one area of my life, except in letting people see the real true inner me, that is still a struggle and I don't show the struggle.
I feel so honored right now to have found an amazing friend and some new member in my support network. A friend who seriously challenges me every time I see her. Challenges me to be a better me, I feel more tired after talking to her than I do after a workout sometimes. A friend who leaves me with homework - who does that? ;). Today's homework is to "ask for help", which is actually scary because then that means i'm showing people my struggle and then i'm failing, so homework = ask for help to raise $600 (or find accommodation) to get me to Vancouver for the end of August for a self-discovery/self-improvement workshop so that I can do the course and go to Mexico (maybe). This will take some contemplation on my part to make some phone calls and actually ask for help, but I will do it because I promised her and well because i'm telling all of you.
Apart from being left with homework tonight was another amazing conversation with some new friends. Among a variety of topics there was one key element to the conversation that really stuck with me. You are the only one who expects you to be the person you were ten minutes ago. Just let that sink in...how true is that statement, really we are the ones that create the belief of who we are supposed to be. The expectation that we have to have a 9-5 job and bring in a regular pay cheque every 2 weeks, we are responsible, loyal and the list goes on. Is who we believe we are supposed to be, actually who we want to be? Are we happy in that 9-5 job or are we "married" to that job because of our commitments? If you honestly step back and look at your life, you are the one that puts those expectations out there, yes there is alot of fear attached to those expectations and that's why we have them. If we don't have that 9-5 job and we took a risk of being self employed would we survive? would we lose our house? could we do all the things we wanted to do? That fear is crippling for most people so we get stuck in a routine, and fail to actually live our lives with risks that create reward.
So honestly stepping back and looking, I have played it safe emotionally. I stay in my bubble and I know it. I haven't pushed the envelope because i'm scared to leave the 9-5, im terrified of not being able to pay my bills because of that expectation I have created of myself that I have to be financially stable at all times. This is my present reality
The good thing is that every single day we have the opportunity to reinvent and recreate ourselves. Every day we wake up with a clean slate and we write on that slate throughout the day as we create. What if we approached our day, each day, with a clean slate? What if tomorrow you woke up and looked in the mirror and said "I am beautiful, I am strong, I am alive" instead of "im fat, my butt is too big, im not happy" and what if you actually believed it? What if you carried this trend into your relationships? Thinking of it this way really made me reflect, I mean let me be honest here - those that know me personally know that being social and outgoing is extremely difficult and hard for me - the fear is completely paralyzing sometimes. But what if I went into a new social situation where I knew no one and they didn't know me? I would have an opportunity to create a whole new first impression. So each and every day my new mission is to create new first impressions. That means wiping the slate clean of any pre-conceived notions of people, not approaching conversations with prior judgment, and just giving a fresh start. What I put out to the world I will receive back, so by choosing not to make pre-judgments of people or myself I am putting that openness out to the world, it will come back in the form of new possibilities. This is an experiment in life, but let's see what happens, all I can do is try and without trying I could never know if it could make the change I need.