Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Guest Blogger "Missing: My Motivation"

The following is a reflection from fellow Biggest Winner ambassador Nicki Reich. Thanks for sharing your struggles and being so honest. Struggles will make us stronger, sharing them will keep us accountable, and being honest will make us grow. So proud of you Nicki and grateful to have someone like you in my life.

If Bri is the "inspiration" of the Biggest Winner program and I am the "administration", then Michele and Lovisa are surely the "motivation." Or are they? They provide accountability, guidance, patience, assurance and encouragement. But where does motivation come from? Mine seems to have gone missing, but they are still here. So if they don't provide the motivation, who does?

It is hard to admit that you are struggling. I am sure that everyone has been able to tell from my expanding rear-end that I have not been on track, but saying it out loud in a group, in front of your peers, your trainers and your friends is hard. But like showing up for a workout that you wanted to skip, it feels so much better afterwards. Choking the words out feels awful, but the relief from releasing the burden is liberating.

I don't think I have been honest with myself or the group for a long time. So here is the rest of my story.

Two things from our our check-in hit me like a truck. First, Aidan said that he keeps showing up because he doesn't want to disappoint the trainers. He doesn't do it for himself. Second, Michele pointed out that I wasn't able to conquer my fear of Mt. Finlayson for my own sake, but because I couldn't disappoint Aidan.

It was the first time that I realized that I have never done this for me. My motivation has always been about something outside of my own happiness and success. It is about seeking approval and avoiding disappointment. I want to be thin so men will find me attractive. I want to be thin so I can look good for my husband's homecoming. I want to be thin so I can give my husband a child. I want to be thin so people will like me. I want to be thin to make my parents proud.

When I began with BW, I thought my reasons were different. I thought I had been doing it for me. But truth is, I was doing it so my husband would love me more. I spent hours at the gym and tirelessly meal planned and prepped, steadily lost weight and gained confidence. For two years, I stayed on track and waited. I waited to hear "I am proud of you." It never came.

When I was 3lbs from my goal weight, my marriage fell apart. Being thin didn't make him love me more. (Just so no one thinks my husband is a jerk, he was in a dark place of his own. He couldn't see past his own pain to see me hurting. He has worked tirelessly to climb out of his own abyss.)

For me, being thin It didn't make life magically happier. In fact, I convinced myself that it was more miserable than being 200lbs. That was a year ago. Today, my marriage is more solid then it has been in years and I have gained half of the weight back.

I feel like a giant fraud. I am supposed to be an ambassador. I am supposed to be an example of how the Biggest Winner program works. But I'm not. I have struggled for months to cope with disappointing my family, the group and mostly, Michele and Lovisa. These two tirelessly work to help us improve and I let them down. Without that approval, the motivation to lose is gone. Knowing I have disappointed so many people who have supported me has sent me into a tailspin.

It is time for my story to change. My motivation hasn't gone missing; it was simply misguided. I have been counting on those around me to provide it for me. In all the time I have waited for someone else to say "I am proud of you", it didn't occur to me to say it to myself. I have spent my life defining my worth by the approval of others.

I will still look to Michele and Lovisa for the patience and kick ass workouts. I will still lean on the group for inspiration and kindness. I will still count on my family for love and support. But, starting now, I will start to find my motivation within. It works when you work it. So work it, you're worth it. And I am.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is inspiring and makes me really think about my own truths. Thank you both for that.
Lori

michele said...

Thank you Nicki. Sharing can be very liberating and you are worth it. And for the record, im really proud of you!