Sometimes it takes falling to realize your capable. Sometimes it takes failures to bring us back to our successes. I've fallen many times on this journey but the one constant is I always get back up.
After feeling on track at the beginning of the month I had several "changes" thrown at me all at once. Changes that were unexpected, I forgot how to cope, I ate and I ate alot and I gave up (momentarily). But it is those moments of failure that lead me to believe I am fully capable of getting myself back there. How does someone get so very close to the biggest accomplishment of her life, and let herself slip backwards? Very simple, its called balance, its called living, coping, and that's ok. It's OK as long as you get back up and keep going. I saw a very scary number on the scale this morning - 194 - ok granted I am extremely bloated with fluid from my recent surgery, but it was still scary none the less and made me realize that I can't keep moving in this upwards direction.
So what were these changes? Well, I went from being totally in control of my destiny to realizing I was going to make a huge career decision, a decision that would impact me and my ability to support my family in a dramatic way, a decision that was completely unexpected and thrown in my face. This led into thoughts of, should I really be doing this job? Is this me? No, not really, I know that, but is it the right time to take this risk? So many questions, and only one month to decide if I should take the easy road or take a chance at unemployment and a new career path. In this time i'm also facing the fear of going in for surgery, having a cyst and a fibroid removed from me, all things that are apparently normal but still are scary - that fear of what if, what if something goes wrong and i'm never able to have children? I just wasnt sure what to focus on, so I focused on nothing and I ate, it was my way of coping with the uncertainty, but really where did that get me? No where, only further and further away from my goal.
But like I said, im ok with that, im ok because I am admitting to my defeat, I am picking myself back up and doing it again. One small step at a time, my focus right now is simply to drink 3 liters of water per day, its a small focus, but something I can do while being on bed rest to keep myself in check. I'm not overwhelming myself with food, but at the same time i'm not allowing any binging, to be honest I hardly have an appetite right now.
Sometimes it takes falling so hard and so far to make us realize that we are capable of success. Look at what i've accomplished, regardless of any of my recent defeats, I am still proud, I am still successful and nothing will change that.