Monday, May 7, 2012

Reflection

To avoid emotional eating, i'm writing, that is what started this blog. This post has no purpose but my own reflection for my day, which was emotional and difficult...My reflection on self doubt, self loathing and how it has played into my weight loss journey..In the hopes that the one person out there that is reading this can gather some strength to start to love them self, I am going to put myself out there and share some events that are very personal to me.

The room is dark, but with sufficient mood lighting for a high school dance. My 17 year old self is standing in the corner in my size 18 dress. The dance is almost over, and no one has asked me to dance, but why would they? I'm ugly, fat, disgusting. A wave of courage washed over me and I ask a boy to dance, I don't even remember his name or what he looks like, at that moment it didn't matter..just that he was a boy. He said yes, a flicker of hope, of promise washed over me. For that brief moment in my high school career I felt beautiful, and then the song was over and the moment ended. But for one night, I felt like I was actually important, even though he didn't even know me or would ever talk to me again. For one night I felt beautiful, human contact (even though brief and non sexual) gave me one night of hope. I wake up in the morning and the moment is over.

I am 18, I have no direction, no idea what I want to do or who I want to be, just that I want to feel like im important to someone. My judgment is clouded by the desire to feel loved. Reaching out to a random stranger on the internet, I find myself at someone's apartment, someone I have talked to for maybe an hour, someone who I don't even know. My first kiss, with a random stranger who cared nothing about me and didn't even know me. I left feeling on top of the world, alive (by whatever luck there is out there that this guy was not a killer), feeling normal. Again one night of hope, someone wanted to touch me, but didn't want to know me.

I am 19, have had a couple failed attempts at internet dating, "you're too fat for me" that was the general answer. Almost 20, and still a virgin, feeling like a loser. I settled for the guy who said I was too fat for him, that he wouldn't be seen in pubic with me, but would give me the human touch I wanted. I settled, I hated myself so much, why would anyone ever love me? I have to put up with this person who wont even let me call him my boyfriend. I settled and I can never go back and change that.

I am 20, I have accepted that I was going to be alone but I still put myself out there on the internet, even the hopes of talking online kept me slightly optimistic that someone would eventually settle for me. I never felt that I would be important enough to be anyone's world. Then there came John, the man who is now my husband, who is my world and I am his. We shared a common place of feeling as if no one would ever love us, but he did, he didn't care that I was huge and couldn't even walk a kilometer, he saw past all of that and saw me. He was the first person to see me, the me I had hidden all these years behind a shell of fat and emotions. I would not be here without his love and support. He helped me find who I am, to find the strength to take this journey because I knew I was not alone anymore, to find the determination every single day to not give up. Yes, I was the one getting up at 6AM and doing the workout DVDs in my living room, I was the one saying no to the food, but he was the man who was there when I needed to cry instead of eat, or when I needed someone to just hold me.

So with that all on the table, what am I trying to say? I hope that the girl that is reading this who is sitting on the sidelines can find the courage to be strong. I hope that the woman inside of me that is scared to speak up can find a will to be that person I know I can be. I refuse to let my past mistakes rule my life. I have let go of feeling guilty about these events a long time ago, but they still define who I am today. It all led to creating an environment of self doubt of myself, of thinking I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, and never # 1. But I know one thing, I am someone's world and he is mine, the rest doesn't matter, it's a work in progress...i'm a work in progress.

2 comments:

Jacquelin said...

Thank you for your raw honesty. You have given many a gift today.
xoxo

Susie said...

I agree, your honesty is rare and inspiring.