Monday, January 9, 2012

Working Through Frustration

A new year is here, already over a week in, and I am so happy to have entered 2012 in the best shape of my life. There is a new sense of energy in Biggest Winners, everyone seems so focused and driven. I see people changing in front of my eyes and it brings me back to all these different places in my journey. It keeps me accountable and on track to continue with my success, knowing that others are struggling just as much. My food, apart from a couple hiccups, has been on track, I feel on track.

I have been continuing with physio from my knee and was so excited - like couldn't stop smiling excited - when he told me last week that I could try running again. Four years ago I couldn't imagine being told I was allowed to run would make me happy. I had to remind myself that I had to start slow and listen to the doctor even though my head tells me I can do so much more. I RAN, just a little, last week and it felt amazing and no pain, then I ran on Saturday for one block basically and it hurt again. It's hard, it's really hard, I feel like I've been so patient and done everything i'm supposed to do but my body isn't responding. I'm frustrated hearing people tell me that I can do other things, I know I CAN do other things and that's exactly what I've been doing these last three months, but that doesn't mean it's what I want to do. I recognize that those people who are saying those things don't say it with the intention of hurting me, and I don't get mad at them for it, it just stings a little (or a lot). I guess it's like i'm not getting validation for what i'm feeling, it's as if the fact that i'm frustrated doesn't even matter and is silly - I should just get over it. Imagine being told you can't do the one thing that you absolutely love to do and give you enjoyment and relief from stress? And I know this is all ME, this is all something that I have to work through and I can't blame anyone else because I alone am responsible for how I react. One day at a time, that's all I can do right now.

I've found because I've been so emotional with not being able to get my energy out by running or sweating like i'm used to the emotions have slowed my weight loss. It is so true how emotions and progress are connected, I know this, which is why I haven't really focused on the number so much, I know it will change in time. Everything in life is interrelated the frustration around not running leads to frustration at home and other areas of my life. Like I said, one day at a time, really one moment at a time. I am focusing on other things, my want list (updates to come), and being the best ME I can be for 2012 - healthy, strong and happy.

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