Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'll Never Reach My Goal

On the season of no excuses, today's theme on the Biggest Loser was "I'll Never Reach My Goal". When I began my weight loss journey at 360 lbs there about 95% of me who believed I would never reach my goal weight. In the past I had never been successful, so really why should I believe that this time would be any different? As time went on and I started to prove to myself that I was actually capable of being strong that percentage started to shift. Especially when I got under 300 lbs, for the first time in my journey I began to feel proud of what I had accomplished and was proud of my body even though I was still 299 lbs. Over the last four years I started to believe more and more that I would reach that goal and I still believe it. The funny thing is, the closer I get to it, the further away it seems. I am 14 lbs away from my goal weight, which is so very close when I was previously looking at losing 200 lbs, and it feels like it is so far away some days. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with where I am, I am proud of myself, but I think a huge theme of my journey has been "finish what you start". When I started I had to force myself to do this every single day even though I wanted to eat the crap. Most days I just wanted to give up, but my daily reminder was "finish what you start". Because this has been the main theme of my weight loss, and my original goal has been to lose 200 lbs, I feel like i'm not done.

I am resigned to the fact that it will happen in time, but what I am not resigned to is allowing myself to continually sabotage myself. The buck stops here! No one is forcing me to take the chips or the chocolate, I am choosing to eat it, I am choosing to accept the sabotage. It's strange because i'm used to feeling so focused, feeling as if nothing can stop me and I don't NEED the food. But the closer I get to the number, the scarier it gets. Scary? how can something you have wanted for so long be scary? I am scared to stop focusing on losing weight because like I said a couple weeks ago, who will I be? I think subconsciously I am also scared that I will revert back to some bad habits and if i'm focused on losing weight then I can focus on avoiding those habits. So I guess what that means is I shouldn't focus on losing weight, I should focus on leading a healthy life right? Now how will I do that?

1. No more daily weigh ins, only sunday
2. Focus more on fitness ability, for example holding my plankes for longer and doing sit ups without using my arms.
3. Drink all my water, eat all my veggies and protein EVERY DAY
4. No excuses, make all my workouts and give 100%
5. Don't accept the sabotage, say no

Like I said, I will get there, I will, I know I can I know I can I know I can...Patience and persisentence, it will happen.

On a closing note, my favorite quote from tonight's Biggest Loser episode "A trainers 10 seconds is the longest 10 seconds you'll ever experience!" or that can vary depending on who is training you or keeping time or not keeping time LOL.

MEXICO in 18 sleeps!!!!


1 comment:

Charleen Tupper said...

It is so great to be reminded how far you have come... 360lbs! I didn't even know you at this weight, and you were well on your way!

Do you think the fear is about what you'll focus on AFTER you reach your goal? Weight loss and the "200 goal" has been such a focus for several years now. And then what? So if you were to find a new focus and still keeping the healthy lifestyle going, that would relay fears? Perhaps as we get closer to our goal it becomes more about these types of questions which I offer:

1. "How can I create a fulfilling life?" What do I need to do and who do I need to be? This is still keeping up all the healthy stuff though!
2. "How can I continue to grow, and fully express my unique gifts and strengths". See its life after weight loss stuff... how exciting for you!

So its about finding a new focus, setting new goals etc. and address the underlying beliefs, patterns that led to weight gain to begin with.


Charleen