Saturday, January 14, 2012

Finding Stability

I've been doing alot of reflecting lately in terms of where I want my life to be. I'm in such a weird place right now and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to be. Part of this is that my life has been weight loss focused for the last four years, and now that isn't my focus - so where should my focus be? You would think that would be a relief and a good thing, but to be honest it's kind of overwhelming. Don't get me wrong I am super stoked to not have to worry about losing weight, just staying healthy, but I'm almost needing to feel like I have a purpose and a direction and part of me feels lost.

The way I look at it is I have all these different quadrants in my life: health, career, family and finance. The way things sit right now I haven't had total stability in any of those quadrants for the last few months. My goal for 2012 is really to find peace and stability in all of those quadrants.

HEALTH Obviously i've had stability in the sense that I have my health, I am strong, but i haven't had stability in the sense that my fitness goals seem to be getting further and further out of reach and that frustrates me to no end.
My plan for stability: do everything that my doctor and physiotherapist are telling me, show up for my workouts, and just continue to do what I can do....I figure eventually it'll just click

CAREER As many of you know I went through a huge job transition process which ended up being in its entirety nearly two years. It was stressful and there were many unknowns throughout the entire process but then I was finally settled and in my job. Now i'm settled, but I can't necessarily say I have the same level of job satisfaction I had prior to this whole thing, I can't say that I actually enjoy going to work every day but I could say that for the most part in my previous job. The stress came also from being the only stable income earner in the family and feeling pressure to make decisions that would keep me in a stable job instead of the job that I maybe enjoyed more. Now I am being asked to make the decision all over again, and again with limited information and no answers to necessary questions that may or may not effect me. Basically it's just not giving me any sense of security in this quadrant right now.
My plan for stability: do not listen to the rumors, make an informed decision, and weigh the pros and cons when the time comes....really I have no control over this right now, I have to wait for higher ups to make decisions

FAMILY Having a family is something that I have wanted for a long time. It is one of the main motivators that has kept me going throughout the journey. Because I worked so very hard to get where I am right now, I thought that it would just happen, not necessarily in one or two months, but I didn't exepct to sit by month by month as friend after friend started having babies and I congratulated them but was torn up inside. I have finally been able to get answers because it has been so long and am working on this with the doctor. As we sat at the fertility clinic last week the doctor asked "why do you think you can't get pregnant" and I said, with tears streaming down my face "I think that I have damaged my body by being overweight so long, I'm scared I broke myself". The response was obviously the logical one that I tell myself all the time, but not the response that my heart tells me. The response was "you didn't break yourself, if anything all this hard work you've done is only going to benefit you".
My plan for stability: it's a work in progress, John and I will both do all the test that we have to do and try to continue to be patient

FINANCE I know some of you may put career and finance together, for me it is different. For me, having financial stability doesn't mean that I can go out and buy whatever I wants, it just means paying my bills every month, having money left over and not feeling like i'm living pay cheque to pay cheque. It ties into career for sure, and that is in part why I have felt trapped in continuing in a job that I don't necessarily love. This quadrant is the only quadrant that I feel that the stability is coming, we just found out that John was granted his leave without pay to go do his ICBC speaking tour, this means that he will have a stable job to come back to - at least until July and then after that, who knows. But at least I know until July we will have steady income coming in.
My plan for stability: continue to live within our budget, putting money away, and the stability will come

Like i've said many times before, I will continue to take this journey day by day. 2012 is really about working on making myself a stronger person on the inside, not just the outside, and to be honest it is almost harder than the exercise.

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience."

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