To start off, I realize I've been extremely absent from writing, I've felt "blocked" for the last two weeks just not knowing what to say. I've felt myself go in this downward spiral of emotions and just not wanting to even write or talk about it at all - which I realize is not healthy. I've just been emotional, and I couldn't pinpoint why, but then I realized that I had lost my outlet that was allowing me to expend my frustrations - running. It's almost like the fact that I can't express my feelings/frustrations by going out and running is meaning i'm having to face my feelings and feel them, i'm not used to that, i'm used to being able to immerse my energy into exercise to deal with my frustrations/feelings.
The thing is it's not something specific that happened, apart from the injury, it's just life in general that is feeling like it is weighing down on me (work, school, personal etc. etc.). I'm mad at myself because I haven't been focused on my food like I should be and I know I can fix that by just making good choices, but for some reason I seem to be giving into temptation whereas when i'm focused I can avoid it. I feel frustrated because I've done this long enough, why does this still happen? I recognize and know that it's a process and I can tell myself that but that doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself. I know how amazing it feels to be 100% on track and focused, so why can't I get myself back there? These mind games we play with ourselves, the self sabotage, it just seems to be winning right now and I need to take back control. Writing this "confession" so to speak is my first step to that.
I could feel this disappointment looming as I sat there and watched the fitness competition last Saturday night. I watched all those strong women and thought, I will never ever look like that and that makes me sad. I look at my body naked in the mirror and think about how my body would look if I was able to have the surgery to remove the skin that haunts me. But then I have to weigh that with the fact that I want a family right now and know that I can't have both. It's the competing priorities of what I want and what is realistic in my life right now and the fact that what I want is not happening. I think I also define these women as strong, not just because they have amazing bodies, but they have the confidence to get up there and show it off to the world. I feel less than confident right now. Being alone and highly emotional at the show coupled with no food in about five hours, was not a good mixture to then embarrassing myself. I wanted to introduce myself to Tosca Reno and tell her what an inspiration she was to me in my weight loss journey. I stood there in the back and let everyone go in front of me, then I got up the nerve to introduce myself and all my emotions just poured out of my eyes - embarrassing - I can't even have a normal adult conversation without controlling my emotions. I thought that losing all this weight would make me confident and it has helped, but I still have a long way to go. I just don't know how long it will take and I hope I can one day be that person I want to be.
Even writing this post, I have spent the last hour writing and re-writing because I just thought about how embarrassed I was of my actions/reactions these last few weeks. So what am I going to take from this? Well I do feel like i'm back on track with food now, I've organized my meals for the week, no junk in my house and my water is good. I am going to get my x-ray on my knee and face the reality of what is wrong with me. Apart from those two things I know I can do, the rest I need to take one moment at a time, one work day at a time, one workout at a time. I recognize that I have not failed because I am choosing, yet again, to get back up and try again.