Sunday, November 27, 2011

Getting Crafty

I have to say even though I have been extremely frustrated with my lack of workouts I felt good about my week. I felt in control of my food again, my emotions, myself. When I feel like that then I know that I can make good choices. Now the key is to keep myself in this good place.

I have not been participating in Biggest Winners which has been very frustrating for me to not be there and have that support, though I know that i'm doing what is best for me. This past week I did personal training, still at BDHQ, but only 30 minute sessions and solely strength focused. I can't do any exercise that involves my legs which makes it very difficult, so no biking, walking, running. Obviously I can't NOT walk, but I have to limit that. It's amazing how creative the trainers can get when you have limitations, i'm extremely grateful for being given the option to participate in personal training. I know without it I would not be on track.

I am still going on Sunday to weigh in and stay accountable. I actually ended up losing 4 lbs at last Sunday's weigh in and this week 2.6 lbs. It's almost like the lack of exercise or the limited exercise is allowing my body to catch up. Seeing the progress and the number change is keeping me motivated to stay on track. I've been really focused with my food and not eating late at night. I've been making sure I get 3-4 meals with veggies in them and 1-2 with fruit. But the key has been saying NO about five times per day at work to the constant food. Only ONE is not an option, it is NONE!

Yesterday we did vision boards again, my favorite :) getting to be crafty! I'm trying to make it my new outlet, in place of exercise since that's not happening every day. I have some ideas in the work, secret ideas though ;). Here is my latest vision board...

It's more of a WHY board than a vision board. I made it my reasons why I do this and why I continue to do this and it is hanging right at my front door so I see it every day I walk out the door. If you can't read the image here are my reasons WHY:

*do it for the ones that said you couldn't
*because you are stronger than your excuses
*to never have to take another "before" picture
*to be an inspiration to others
*the feeling of being normal
*to be sexy and know it
*the gap between your thighs
*to be strong, happy and alive
*to prove you are capable
*to finish what you started
*do it because YOU CAN

I stole some pictures from my new obsession - Pintrest. Molly also made an awesome vision board taking some awesome quotes from Pintrest as well.

Now to keep engaged and crafty and away from Christmas food/candy/crap is the key for the month of December. Stay tuned for my next project.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Are you addicted to food?

I was watching the new episode of Private Practice yesterday, one of my favorite shows. The episode was dealing with an Oxycontin addition which one of the doctors and her fiance had. Her rock bottom moment was her fiance dying from an overdose. This got me thinking about food, and how much I hear food is an addiction just like drugs. I used to believe that, in fact that was my excuse for many years. Let me say this, I DO NOT believe that food can be an addiction; however, I DO believe that someone can be addicted to sugar. I think it's important to separate these two. Food to me is classified as real and whole whereas sugar is fake. I could only wish I had a spinach addiction.

I often get messages from people, I don't know, who read this blog asking for help. The most common response I get when I tell them what it takes is that they are addicted to food so it's just that much harder for them to overcome. Trust me, I know what it's like to be overpowered by the urge to binge to get that high, but it's the sugar that is overpowering. I've never once wanted to binge on broccoli, though apparently I should be doing this, it's always been something sugar filled or carbs.

I used to believe that it was harder to overcome this addiction because you have to eat, whereas with let's say alcohol, you could avoid it all together. Now I see it in a whole new light. You CAN avoid sugar all together. You CAN eat a diet filled with FOOD (real food) and be healthy and fulfilled. Absolutely it is hard, don't get me wrong, but don't allow yourself to use the fact that you have to eat to be an excuse not to try at all. To me saying "I have a food addiction" is an excuse to not even try. I have heard on numerous occasions people say "I will be fat forever, that is the way it will be, i'm a food addict". That statement makes me cringe. But the reality is when someone hits their rock bottom and they are ready to change they will reach out and make that choice to do so. No one can force it.

So what are the steps to overcoming a "sugar addiction"?

#1: Make the choice that YOU WANT TO CHANGE NOW
#2: Purge your kitchen, get rid of all the bad sugar and replace them with nourishing foods. No "one last time" meals (refer to #1)
#3: Realize that there will be withdrawals and make a plan how you will deal with this. Maybe it is keeping lots of yummy fruits or veggies prepared and easy to access or maybe it is finding a new favorite tea to drink
#4: Commit to the process for 30 days. After just a few days you will notice a difference, but after 30 days of constant clean eating and no sugar you will not crave it physically. When it's not in your body and not in your environment then you don't need it or crave it.
#5: Be kind to yourself and reward yourself for working hard. Create a reward for yourself that you will get when you reach the place that you feel you have conquered your sugar addiction.

And when you find yourself falling off the wagon start back again at step #1.
"Success is not final ,failure is not fatal,it is the courage to continue that counts"

Monday, November 14, 2011

Facing the Feelings

To start off, I realize I've been extremely absent from writing, I've felt "blocked" for the last two weeks just not knowing what to say. I've felt myself go in this downward spiral of emotions and just not wanting to even write or talk about it at all - which I realize is not healthy. I've just been emotional, and I couldn't pinpoint why, but then I realized that I had lost my outlet that was allowing me to expend my frustrations - running. It's almost like the fact that I can't express my feelings/frustrations by going out and running is meaning i'm having to face my feelings and feel them, i'm not used to that, i'm used to being able to immerse my energy into exercise to deal with my frustrations/feelings.

The thing is it's not something specific that happened, apart from the injury, it's just life in general that is feeling like it is weighing down on me (work, school, personal etc. etc.). I'm mad at myself because I haven't been focused on my food like I should be and I know I can fix that by just making good choices, but for some reason I seem to be giving into temptation whereas when i'm focused I can avoid it. I feel frustrated because I've done this long enough, why does this still happen? I recognize and know that it's a process and I can tell myself that but that doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself. I know how amazing it feels to be 100% on track and focused, so why can't I get myself back there? These mind games we play with ourselves, the self sabotage, it just seems to be winning right now and I need to take back control. Writing this "confession" so to speak is my first step to that.

I could feel this disappointment looming as I sat there and watched the fitness competition last Saturday night. I watched all those strong women and thought, I will never ever look like that and that makes me sad. I look at my body naked in the mirror and think about how my body would look if I was able to have the surgery to remove the skin that haunts me. But then I have to weigh that with the fact that I want a family right now and know that I can't have both. It's the competing priorities of what I want and what is realistic in my life right now and the fact that what I want is not happening. I think I also define these women as strong, not just because they have amazing bodies, but they have the confidence to get up there and show it off to the world. I feel less than confident right now. Being alone and highly emotional at the show coupled with no food in about five hours, was not a good mixture to then embarrassing myself. I wanted to introduce myself to Tosca Reno and tell her what an inspiration she was to me in my weight loss journey. I stood there in the back and let everyone go in front of me, then I got up the nerve to introduce myself and all my emotions just poured out of my eyes - embarrassing - I can't even have a normal adult conversation without controlling my emotions. I thought that losing all this weight would make me confident and it has helped, but I still have a long way to go. I just don't know how long it will take and I hope I can one day be that person I want to be.

Even writing this post, I have spent the last hour writing and re-writing because I just thought about how embarrassed I was of my actions/reactions these last few weeks. So what am I going to take from this? Well I do feel like i'm back on track with food now, I've organized my meals for the week, no junk in my house and my water is good. I am going to get my x-ray on my knee and face the reality of what is wrong with me. Apart from those two things I know I can do, the rest I need to take one moment at a time, one work day at a time, one workout at a time. I recognize that I have not failed because I am choosing, yet again, to get back up and try again.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

New Wants

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha. Ok so I don't really know what zigazig means, but it sounds cool, maybe I do want it, but it's not on my list. But what do I really want? I've made list after list about what I want, but this is an ongoing exercise and time to do it all over again.

My first want list was in January. I completed several goals and then created a new want list in May.

The May list was:
1-to be successful in the 10lb challenge
2-to have a family
3-to run a 1/2 marathon in 2011
4-to be satisfied in my job
5-to reach 200lbs lost by December 31, 2011
6-to get my asthma tested
7-to get my focus back on losing weight
8-to do "spring cleaning" on the house
9-to ride my bike
10-to play soccer
11-to feel in control again
12-to develop a new relationship with the word no
13-to start hiking again
14-to read a book (I don't read enough)
15-to be successful in the current job competition at work
16-to keep blogging
17-to create a 5 year business/career plan
18-to register at Camosun for accounting in the fall
19-to declutter our bedroom
20-to create a training plan for the 1/2 marathon in October

I can say I've successfully completed several of these items. I was successful in the 10lb challenge, I ran the half marathon,I got my asthma tested, i'm focused, I road my bike, played soccer and hiked I got a promotion at work, I registered and am completing my accounting course and I have been blogging. So what do I want NOW?

1-to run again
2-to have a family
3-to feel like I am successful in my job
4-to reach 200lbs lost by December 31, 2011
5-to obtain an A in my accounting class
6-to start planning my homemade gifts for Christmas
7-to finish my accounting project
8-to wear a size 8
9-to feel 100%

My list has decreased in size. I think in part because alot of the things I want right now are contingent on me actually being able to run. For example I want to complete another 1/2 marathon and beat my time but if I can't run then that's not going to happen, I want to complete a sprint triathlon, I want to run the TC10K in under an hour. All these things I want in addition to my above list are contingent on me recovering from this injury. Part of me doesn't want to write these additional wants down on my list because I am scared to death that I won't be able to run again.

For now it is just listen to my body, be 100% on track with my food and stay positive and hopeful that I will recover fast.

So tell me what YOU want, what you really really want.