Monday, July 18, 2011

I was derailed this week



This last week has been really tough, I've made it to all my workouts but have been so incredibly emotional that this is even hard for me to write about. It's hard because I feel like I failed this week. I went from losing 7 lbs in one week to gaining it all back, that's embarrassing. I know all the things that i'm supposed to tell myself, like this is a journey and look how far I've come, but that didn't change how hard this week was and it didn't change how frustrated I was with myself.

Having a family is something that is very important to me. So the emotional journey of getting my period month after month is exhausting. I've tried to put it out of my head and to just live my life, but that is very difficult when everything around you is babies. It is exceptionally hard because I feel like I can control every other aspect of my life, but I can't control this. It's hard to watch friend after friend get pregnant and it not happen for us. So when I try to no think about it, I can handle the disappointment, but when the question of are you going to have kids is asked by several people it is difficult. I don't think people realize how much it hurts to answer that question because i'm not going to pour my heart out to everyone about this, I just answer "hopefully someday" but inside it eats away at me.

Another hard part about this week is the comments from multiple people about how I don't need to lose any more weight. I'm consistently hearing that i'm doing too much and that I should just chill out and eat the sugar. So having these comments along with the other emotions was just the perfect storm for giving in to the cravings. Why do people feel the need to tell me that I don't need to lose more weight? it's beyond frustrating! Nicki and I had a good chat about this yesterday and really it's because they are jealous that they don't have the same commitment level. I know this, and I even caught myself commenting to Nicki at the weigh in yesterday about how she doesn't have that much to lose either which is totally wrong of me to say to anyone working towards a goal. I said it because I was frustrated with myself and I apologized for it as I huffed up the hill with her.

This past week I fell apart, I gave into cravings, I ate to cover my feelings. There is a difference between eating something as a planned treat, such as going out for a special dinner, versus eating something and not even tasting it. I guess the positive in all of this is that I recognize there is a difference, I knew right away that what I was doing, unfortunately I let it go on far too long which resulted in a big weight gain. I know that I can take it off, I know that most of it is water weight, but that doesn't make the frustration go away. Another huge reason that it is frustrating is that I was literally 2 lbs away from a huge goal. Once I get to 180 that will mean that I have lost 50% of my body weight and now I have to get back there again. I'm proud of myself for going on Sunday and weighing in, even though I knew how badly I had done.

What was positive about this week? Well I completed another item on my bucket list, indoor rock climbing. It was pretty awesome I must say and I did much better than I ever thought I could. I've already gone back once and am going again tomorrow night and Wednesday.

This week i'm getting back on track. I know I've said this several times over the last few months, but I'm back on track. Back on track until the next bend in the tracks. I recognize and know that it is a journey full of ups and downs, broken tracks, backtracking and getting right back on board and moving forward. I recognize that this journey has become harder and harder as I get closer and closer to my goal but I will reach the end, I just have to continue on.

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