I've been feeling really frustrated these last few days. I'm on track with my workouts and food and have shifted my attitude back to being positive about reaching my goals. But i'm struggling with this feeling of being second best. I had a beautiful run tonight with my buddy Tonia who is always there to listen to me and just "gets me" she listened to my rant and gave me some great insight. I never feel second best when i'm with her, I know that she is 100% there for me and I love her for that.
This feeling of being second best is something that goes back as far as I can remember. I remember we did this play in third grade (I think), and I remember there were so many kids that they had two separate performances so that everyone got to participate. It was Aladdin we were doing and I was the Geni. I remember that my teacher chose to go to the other performance instead of mine and no one in my class came to watch me. I remember being so sad about this and felt like no one cared. Obviously I've grown up alot since grade three but this has been a theme throughout my life. I felt second best to my brothers because I was the only girl in the house growing up after my Mom left. I felt second best to my older sister who seemed to only want to be friends with my best friend and not me. I felt second best with my friends in high school when it felt like they only wanted to do something with me if their other plans fell through. This feeling of being second best has carried forward into my adult life. I often find myself second guessing peoples intentions. Like do they really want to be my friends or are they wanting something from me? I guess this is why food was my savior. Food never let me down, it was always there. Food was always my friend, but it was also my enemy because it got me to 360 lbs.
So how do I move past this? To be honest i'm not sure, I try very hard day by day to remind myself to give people the benefit of the doubt and that my friends and my support network are true friends that I have wonderful relationships with. But sometimes I find my brain going back there. Tonia said it perfectly to me tonight "nice girls finish last", meaning that because i'm a passive person that unless I speak up for myself I won't get anywhere. I can't even describe how hard it is for me to speak up for myself and that ties into me feeling worthy of speaking up. This is something that I have to get better at and feel like I am, but it takes time and it is not a change that will happen over night. All I can promise is that I will do my best to voice when I am hurt and to ask for what I need. I promise myself that I will make me a priority. I just remind myself that the past does not define me the present does and I can only improve from here.