Saturday, July 12, 2014
Let me start off with saying I have been hiding out, in case you didn't know that. I really have just been hiding under a mountain of a lot of work to do, a conference to run, a program to coach, people to make a difference for and in the middle of all that is me not making a difference for me. I miss my community, and I distanced myself so far away because to be honest I've been completely terrified the last few months. What i've been dealing with is my body not operating at the level i'm used to it operating at, I can't run, I can't do high impact exercise and it feels like pretty much everything I do hurts. What happened is instead of me calling on my community I hid all of this from all of you, though i'm sure you can figure it out. I hid in all the work I needed to do and the projects I was working on and the things I was doing for other people. In reality i was just not making the difference for me anymore, I went to where it was comfortable for me which is to care about everyone else but leave myself out of the equation.
How life has been like the last 4 months has been incredibly lonely and scary. I feel trapped in a body that doesn't do the things i'm used to it doing. I'm in pain consistently and scared to try things in fitness because it seems like I just continue to injure myself. I'm frustrated and I hate it and all I want is to be out there in the beautiful sun and enjoying the body and fitness level I know I worked so hard for. Really, it's just not fair! Have you ever wanted to run and hide and hope people don't notice? Or maybe some flavor of that? Well that is exactly where I've been the last few months.
This letter to all of you is to declare that I am back in the game, no more hiding, no more trying to appear like I got it all together. I am back to sharing myself, back to having what I am up to in life make the difference just in who I am not in something I do for someone else. Now, I know this isn't going to look like what I want right now, it wont look like me doing high intensity exercise or running, but it can still look like me being a part of the community.
For those of you who don't know what I've been dealing with the last few months has been pain in my right hip and knee stopping me from doing a lot of exercise. This pain developed into compression in my spine which had be me in the hospital last weekend. This week i've been home bound apart from a few outings and really just starting to take on learning my body newly. I've been to chiropractic, massage, feldenkrais and structural medicine all in this last week. No longer will the circumstance called pain dictate who I am, who I am is a part of this community and i'm back as of right now.
Today I walked into Michele's office at BDHQ and bared it all. My immediate thought was that she is going to kick me out of this gym and won't want me to be part of this program anymore, this is the conversation i've been avoiding. Instead what Michele said to me is "Bri, you aren't going backwards, it's not even possible, you are always moving forward". I got to share what it has been like for me the last few months, and the missing of not being there, and created coming back to the program to have the program (Biggest Winners) make a difference for me and in turn that will make a difference for the people around me. Right now that looks like letting this compression in my spine settle down and participating in the check ins and then in a couple weeks coming back into working out as modified to what I can do. I also have a new eating pattern to take on. Thank you Michele for our conversation today, you made a huge difference for me and I love you.
To my community, my promise is you will hear more from me, I am back to writing my blog and back to putting myself on the line and living the life of health and wellness to make a difference.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Some of you may not know but this last week I was asked to come and speak for wellness week at the Ministry of Finance, not once but twice. I used to work for the Ministry of Finance prior to moving to Federal Government in 2010 so I knew that I would be speaking in front of some people that I knew already. It's interesting because talking in front of strangers is somehow easier than talking in front of people I know. I would say that there is less of a threat to my identity in talking to a stranger than there is when talking to people I know. I also know that it just wouldn't be a demonstration of who I am now to say no to this opportunity though, so I jumped in.
Last time I spoke in front of any kind of large group about my health was for Sole Sisters. I remember the hours leading up to it having body sensations of shaking, tears, anxiety, and at the same time being able to so powerfully put that all to the side and do what I was there to do - make a difference. What was different this time was a few things, first I was talking for an entire hour, not just 20 minutes, second I didn't write anything!! Usually, my sense of wanting to be prepared takes over and I write everything out, this time all I had was an outline of a few topics and a point of view that I created for myself that said "who I am is unwavering and a difference maker". I went into these two talks with one piece of paper, my heart and my promise that everyone in that room would be left with a new access to taking on their health. What was interesting is I spoke two days in a row with the same outline and what I shared was totally different from one day to the next. The feedback I have got from people has been unbelievable, one person even said he thought I could be a professional speaker. My experience of myself this week has been that I am powerful and connected to why I am on this journey. I was again re-connected to the why of this journey, to have my experience help someone else.
If you have been following my blog for some time you will know something about me, I take on things that scare me. Something that you might not know about me is that even though I take on things that scare me I still am confronted by those conversations in my head every day, I still was shaking minutes before I got up and spoke, I still had thoughts like I was going to fail or disappoint and I still wanted to run away. The only difference is that I allow those conversations to not own my life now, I get to say how my life goes - not my past or those past based conversations. So how do I say life will go for me? I say that I am enlivened, lit up and that me and the people around me win every day - now THAT is what my life is about, if what i'm doing doesn't fulfill on that then i'm a no. I've stopped saying yes to things that don't line up with what I say my life is about anymore.
My invitation to you is to look at what you say you want your life to be about and then ask yourself, is what you are doing in life fulfilling on what really matters to you? If you aren't a yes then what are you going to do to take the say back? If what is important to you is losing weight or transforming your health it isn't just about that, look at your whole life because this journey is not just weight, this journey is your life and it is never ending so go have fun and create life!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
This morning's check in was a follow up on last week's check in or maybe reality check in. For me I took on this week looking at my number from 1 to 10 on how "in the game" I am, last week I said 5 and there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it is incredibly powerful to get related to what is so or the reality of the now, that is why we weigh in each week, that is why we write in our books, not to feel bad, but to get related to what is so right now and what is missing that we can put in to have the results we want. So what I took on this week was creating a whole new view on my fitness such that I move that number from a 5 all the way back up to 10. The view I created this week was being an athlete of integrity, wowsa - now that's a view to take on. The funny thing is, the moment you create that view of life, everything that shows up is all the places that doesn't exist. So who I am is an athlete of integrity and there I am in bed at 5:30AM fighting in my head about waking up to go run in the cold. Now, the view of "i have to workout" probably would have had me stay in bed, but the view of "im an athlete of integrity" had me up for 5 workouts this week. In reality, my experience of my health and fitness this week completely altered, there was a pretty big impact on my life in not being excited or engaged in my fitness anymore. What's important to me is that I make a difference for other people in their health and I was robbing myself of the opportunity to do that because I wasn't doing it for myself. Even though I still had people tell me how they were inspired by my story, on the inside I felt like a total fraud - this week in taking this new view on I completely altered that for myself and started making a difference with people all over the place. In some cases even constant texting to remind them to go drink water, and its not like I couldn't do that before, but I didn't relate to myself like it would make a difference because the difference wasn't being made with me.
The invitation and the opportunity for everyone is to create something as a view that totally inspires you, and you don't need to know how to do it, but what is amazing is every time something shows up that is outside of that view you have this new access to being incredibly powerful in the face of it. It's simply enlivening to know that I fulfilled on getting up for 5 workouts this week, despite the conversation of wanting to stay in the warm bed, so what will you create? what will you do this week to bring your game up to a 10? YOU and only YOU can make this difference in your life, you can join programs and talk about things and wish and hope, but at the end of the day the only thing that will ever make a difference is taking an action in the face of "i'd rather be doing X" with a view that simply wakes you up or reality checks you, life for me "being an athlete of integrity".
So that's the invitation to you - OWN THE PODIUM in your game of life!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
This morning I dragged myself to Biggest Winners and about 95% of me wanted to stay in bed, about 4% of me wanted to quit the program and a small 1% of me said GET UP AND JUST SHOW UP! Well i'm lucky the 1% won this morning. After a workout that only an evil trainer could think up Michele had a really straight conversation with all of us. To sum it up, WHY ARE YOU HERE? if you arent going to put the work in, why are you here? She started by asking us to rate our potential, the level we are currently participating at, in this current session, I wrote down 5 - for what I am up to in this program I can see that is insufficient to reach my promises to myself. For me a 5 is like "I show up and go through the motions, but not really into it". I do show up, I go to my workouts, but I acknowledge my food has not been 100% every single day for a long time, it's been "satisfactory" but not where it needs to be to forward my progress. So what is there for me to do, I thought of a few things:
1) show up to every workout, even the ones I didn't tell anyone I was going to
2) no eating after 8PM,
3) 2 litres of water consumed before finishing work each day and a subsiquent litre before 8PM
4) no more lattes or special coffees
5) limit eating out to 2x per week (once on Sunday morning and one other time)
6) take time for ME every week, unscheduled, relax, unwind, no phone
7) no more sneaking a treat at work
8) bring fun, excitement and aliveness to my workouts - not a sense of "when will this be over"
So that gives me a few places to start to bring my number from a current 5 up to a 10 by the end of this current session, no more messing around - time to get this done!
It was interesting though, we also talked about how to celebrate our successes without food. It is so culturally ingrained in us to celebrate by going out for a drink, or for dinner, but what if we celebrated without food and even without money - what would that look like? When I think about celebrating my milestones what comes to mind is a few things:
1) Allowing myself quite time at home where I have no expectation of anything, I can read or write or do whatever
2) Creating a fun social night with no food involved, could be crafting or board games or maybe even a clothing exchange
3) Share with just one person you don't even know what your accomplishment was - their reaction can be one of the best gifts ever - take it in!
4) Love yourself up, bath/hot shower, do your nails at home, give yourself a facial - maybe even invite some girlfriends over
5) Take the day off work for no reason but to just do whatever you want!
And for those of you with some cash to spare
6) Go get your nails done or facial (Yes, even boys)
7) Treat yourself to a movie out
8) Put $ away for each milestone you reach so that when you reach your goal weight you can treat yourself to a big trip or reward
9) Buy a new outfit
10) Buy a new book and read it
I'm sure I could think of several more things, but I actually realized that I stopped celebrating anything to do with weight loss/maintenance, it's been all wrapped up in shame of re-gaining some weight. And stopping to think about it now I know that I still had a huge accomplishment, nothing takes that away, AND what there is to do is put the work in - have fun at the same time - and continue on the journey which never ends.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Helllooooo :) I am bouncing off walls right now - well in my head. I have been away and just got back from an incredible 3 week holiday. I was in beautiful Belize for 2 weeks and then San Francisco for a few days. I've got so much for myself in these last few weeks I don't even know where to begin, so let me give you a few tid bits.
First, I was incredibly excited to go on this trip after committing and figuring out my time off/money etc. we were off on a long travel day. I traveled with Sarah and Paul from Victoria all the way to Houston where we met up with Ainsley and carried onto Belize. And you would expect that I would have been excited at that point getting to Belize but I was pretty much ready to come home. Have you ever had an experience where you are nearly teleported back to a place in your past and it is like "wow I've been here before, I know exactly what's going to happen?"? Well that basically sums up my experience in meeting Ainsley. It was right in front of me, so real, a conversation for "you are now going to be the third wheel AGAIN and really they don't like you, they pity you". Now, I have lots of training and development in how these conversations go and how to be powerful in the face of them but my experience in that moment was like I was teleported back to being a teenager again and I was prepared to lose my friendships for good. It was kind of like watching myself in slow motion, I knew what I was doing and I didn't stop myself, I completely took myself out of any conversation and choose to live in struggle. Now, that's not FUN given I was travelling and going to spend the next 2 weeks with these people, so of course a conversation was in order. And all there was for me to do, which I knew, was to say what I was afraid to say and get how unreal it is. I did that, I shared my conversation with both Sarah and Ainsley and then it was as if it never happened, yes we all lived happily ever after ;) but for real, we had an incredible trip and I connected with not only Sarah, Ainsley and Paul but many other people on a level I have never really connected with people on.
Second, Yes I was incredibly excited to go on this vacation and I also had this looming thought in the back of my head that went something like "you'll never measure up", we all have a version of that I think. I knew that I would be wearing a bathing suit, and for the most part I have no problem being in a bathing suite, I go swimming all the time, but this was different. I was going on vacation with one of my best friends who is a fitness trainer and a new friend who is a yoga instructor, and then there was me....What I created before going on this trip was the possibility of being radiant, glowing and alive and I really really took that on as who I was. That conversation of comparison reared its ugly head at least daily, sometimes hourly, and every single time it came up I had a choice to make. The choice was either have the conversation take me out of the game of life, or have who I say I am win. I want you all to know that who I said I was on this trip won gold medal! I have never ever related to myself as someone who people (ie. strangers - not people who know me intimately) want to know, or spend time with, how I have generally related to myself is like the third wheel or actually - I'm going to be really straight - how I've related to myself is like a waste of space. This trip, my relationship to who I am completely altered, I got - not just on a logical level, but on a physical level - that I am someone who is confident, alive, beautiful, present and contributes when I get out of my own way and play the game of life! I can't explain it any other way than that I feel for the first time connected to my own self worth.
Third, I faced a huge fear of mine - swimming in open waters. I am a good swimmer, and not concerned with drowning, I am however paralyzed with fear when it comes to swimming and not being able to see what`s around me. This trip, we were on an island which takes no longer than 5 minutes to walk from end to end and the closest piece of mainland is over 30 miles away, so you can imagine not facing open water really wasn`t an option for me. On this trip I jumped off a boat into the middle of the ocean, I went scuba diving and survived what felt like the last boat ride I'd ever be on. There were tears and lots of deep breaths, possibly some extremely fast heart beats, but in true ME style I don't let that stop me. I know without a doubt that what is on the other side of tears, fear, anger and shaking hands is massive breakthroughs in who I know myself to be. And who I continue to know myself to be is someone who takes on fear after fear and doesn't stop.
Fourth, I had FUN and did not care what I looked like for one minute - actually I was kind of a forced not caring what I looked like given there was no mirror to look into :) but for real, I just had fun - let go and let life happen. I will never forget this trip and the memories I created. Thank you Lifehouse Retreats.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Check in with yourself today, what are some messages your body has been sending you that you have been ignoring? Maybe you haven't been getting enough sleep? or enough water? what is it you really need to take care of your well being - only you can say.
On a side note, save the date - Saturday November 9th from 1PM to 3:30PM I will be at an incredible event called Balanced Mentality which is being hosted by Studio4 Athletics. I will be sharing my own journey which includes my own personal diagnosis of depression and how exercise, healthy eating and participating in BDHQ's Biggest Winners has transformed my experience of myself.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
1. Scheduling time every single week for my workouts, for me they happen to be in the morning and I know that my experience of myself when I wake up and accomplish a hard workout is that of pride.
2. Having one evening a month (minimum) where I have absolutely no plans, no workouts, no socializing, just taking time to regenerate and recharge my brain. Usually this looks like enjoying a glass of wine and a movie with my husband or reading a book.
3. Spending time every weekend to prepare my food for the week so I am not confronted by the busyness of the week.
4. Scheduling my breaks at work to connect with people who are important to me, this fills me up and keeps me engaged in the rest of my day.
Everyone's self-care list will look different, but what I know is that if you do not know what you need to do to take care of yourself then you will never take the actions to do it. What you may experience is burn out, you may even be successful for awhile at transforming your health BUT I can pretty much guarantee you there will come a point where you will hit a wall. The wall of "I give up" or perhaps "What's the point?" and if you are not present to what you need to do to recharge yourself, to take care of yourself and to make yourself a priority I guarantee the results will be the undoing of all your hard work. So ask yourself the question, "what do I need to do every day, every week, every month to make sure that I am taken care of?"